I’m pretty sure I’m right, now. It’s back. At dinner, I greeted Dad with the words “The doors are open”. He’s noticed too. The doors in question are the toilet doors. When they are propped open, it’s to reduce the hand to hand contact of using the handles, and that’s not necessary unless You Know Who is in town. In addition to which, one of our tablemates witnessed one of the croupiers in the casino fainting last night. Spark out on the floor. That, plus the missing singer and the two sick people at dinner the other night? Ladies and gentleman, please put your hands together and welcome back on board, the Norovirus. In case I am wrong – which isn’t impossible, let’s face it – I’m staying away from German cucumbers, just to be on the safe side, you understand… I mean, beansprouts… I mean….

Seriously? How hard can it really be to find the source of an e-coli outbreak? What happened to so-called German efficiency? Just concentrate on what connects the first few cases, surely? I’ve never seen such a lousy mess of an investigation. Well, that is, unless you count psychic tip-offs in Texas… Really? You thought it wise to tell the world’s media about a mass grave of dismembered children before you’d even got a search warrant? Smart, really smart. I’m telling you, the whole world’s gone mad.

Colour changing lights. If you don’t like them, this is not the ship for you. The designers of this ship were REALLY into colour changing lights. They are everywhere. The walls of the nightclub, the ceiling of the bar between the art gallery and The Globe, the ceiling of the atrium at reception, even the pillars in the Meridien restaurant. They’re inescapable! Even the bottoms of the glass lifts flash through three colours as they go past! Absolute madness. The people who designed this ship were mental. Although, to be fair, if you want a life, the glass ones are best. They arrive WAY faster than the other ones. Plus you get the view out over the ocean as you go.