So, the day we arrived in Madeira was the day we met up with the warm weather. 24 in the shade and sunny. People promptly hurried ashore in search of cheap internet (it is now £11 a day, minimum, on board, £18 if you want video calling whassnames). Tip for future cruisers: follow the crew. They ALWAYS know where the best wifi is in any port. Currently, allegedly, the best signal in Funchal is at McDonalds.

We decided not to go ashore. We’ve been to Madeira plenty, and we wanted to start relaxing in earnest.  MUCH sleeping ensued. In the blissful cool of our cabin.  We did stick our heads out long enough to hear the first passenger complain about the heat, mind you. Literally hours after we arrived in the warmth. There really is no pleasing some people!

For fans of heat and humidity, I currently recommend the Lido Deck by the Crystal Pool. In order to avoid what the Bridge calls “passing showers”, the roof has stayed closed from Southampton, so it’s distinctly warm and wet there, although the pool is not (currently) trying to escape. Interestingly, we now have a lifeguard on duty during the day! His badge says Pool Supervisor, but he agrees he is the lifeguard! I don’t think we’ve ever had a lifeguard before, and we’ve been cruising for nearly 25 years now. Maybe he’s there for the safety of the babies that the signs warn us are not allowed in the water in nappies. Aurora has been an adults-only ship for at least a decade. Mind you, these are the same signs that say ‘Enter at your own risk – no lifeguard on duty’, so there’s that.

Interestingly, it seems that the warmest place in our cabin currently is in the fridge! I have now informed Reception and they assured me that a Ventilation Engineer will come and take a look. When I queried the choice of engineer, the lovely Kobe (remember him from last year?!) explained that keeping the air cool for the humans and keeping the snacks and booze cool in the fridge is, essentially, the same skill. I’ll take his word for it, for now and see how it goes! Right now, the chocolate is terribly visible, because it’s out in the cool, rather than hidden in it! Obviously, there is no actual booze. Well, apart from the free champagne we get for being loyal customers. Half bottle, don’t get too excited.

There is zero Haribo Happy Cola on board. The shop manager PROMISED me there would be some, but apparently it wasn’t delivered. So I am FORCED, forced, I tell you, to resort to Tangfastics. Tut. Dad is now also addicted.

The junior waiter’s name is Amar, with the stress on the first syllable.  Nihal is an origami expert, which is going to be fun.  Jelly with bovine gelatine is fine.  Cleo turned up today with a list of the Hermolis frozen meals they currently have in stock, and asked me which ones I might like. I chose a few and she will go and check which are gf. I’m guessing the answer will be zero, but I appreciate her optimism.

The muzak atrocities continue, sadly.  Today, despite my best efforts to tune it out, I was subjected to Danny Boy picked out on a bass guitar, Goldfinger on what sounded like an oboe, and Get into the Groove on a flute.  But, on the plus side, I had a freshly-squeezed orange juice in my hand at the time, so, you know, swings and roundabouts.

New activity spotted in the daily programme – archery. Frankly, the mind boggles, but it might be fun to go and have a go. I don’t think I’ve loosed an arrow since 1986, on the school PGL holiday in Wales!

New entry: Today is, based on the sheer number of emails awaiting me, Monday 30th Oct 2023. 28 emails. Of which, the actual Need to Reads totalled four.

Saturday night at the quiz was an interesting one.  The quizmistress got a quiz off an American website, so all the answers were unfamiliar and the Always Wins DIDN’T! Everyone gave a loud cheer when the table next to us got the vino. We noticed that on the Always Wins table, they were all frantically copying down the new questions and answers!  Sadly, last night, it was all back to normal.  Table 50 won with a ludicrous majority, and I had to complain about another wrong answer being given as correct. Pan was not the god of hunting, he was god of protecting the animals, and shepherds.  Artemis and Orion were the Greek gods of hunting. On the plus side, she pronounced the star of African Queen as Humphrey Bog Art, which raised a giggle.

Went to the theatre a couple of nights ago, to see a duo called The Tap Step Brothers. By ‘eck, they’re good.  Who knew two blokes tap-dancing could be so entertaining?! They ended with Lord of the Dance. They’ll be back on a future night, and I will definitely try to go and see them again.  During the day, they have been offering beginner’s tap lessons. Good luck to them, bearing in mind the average age on this ship!

Sorry if this all seems a bit discombobulated, but the clocks have gone back three times in three nights, and we are not really currently sure which way is up.  On the plus side, we are both now able to be up by noon, which suggests that our body clocks were simply set to Falklands Time, all along! South Georgia, to be precise. Don’t ask me, that’s what my phone says.

Today was Trek the Deck – walk a mile for Teenage Cancer Trust. Although I was awake before noon, I wasn’t up early enough to do my nine circuits of the ship. Aw, shucks. Lots of people sporting their TTD tshirts all day. It’s been humid and overcast all day, mind you, so it can’t have been an easy job. But, as we tootle towards the sunset, and suppertime, the sky is now blue with fluffy white clouds and the sea is barely moving around us. Even the breeze is now hot. We are getting close to our first Caribbean destination. It must be true, because today was the first time the explanatory paragraph appeared in the daily schedule, explaining that, no matter how hard you complain, the cold water won’t be cold, because the water around the hull is now too warm. So from now on, we will be brushing our teeth with warm water, and showering in warm water, even with the dial set to freezing. It’s odd quirks like this that make cruising different to any other type of holiday.

Talking of quirky, our bathroom tap has been put too far away from the sink, so if you don’t turn it on to full blast, it misses the mark and floods the entire vanity unit! Whoever installed it clearly had no idea how taps work! Sadly, the lovely circular bars of soap are now gone, replaced by a squirty thing that they can refill after you leave. Not all progress is forwards, my friends.

Monday night quiz: Another wrong answer. What was the 15th James Bond film? Well, according to IMDb, it was Living Daylights. We have a Bond expert on our table. He said Living Daylights. The host disagreed. Now, with the best will in the world, I’ll take IMDb’s word over yours, dear. It’s only a quiz, but it does annoy me when wrong answers are rewarded. Grrr.

As you may have gathered, sea days are fairly uneventful! You’d think this would make for excellent “plenty of time to type” time, but oddly not! And once we get to the ports, this will get worse, not better.  We have five ports in five days. Antigua, Guadeloupe, Jamaica, St Lucia, Barbados. Faithful readers will be well aware of how I feel about consecutive port days. Do not expect much prose for the next week or so!

R320 – P&O Aurora – Cruise to the Caribbean

Greetings, dear reader, welcome back onboard.

Part 1 – Sea Days from Southampton to Madeira

Okay, so even the best ideas have flaws. Holding Dad’s birthday party only seven days before the cruise I purchased as his present was due to sail, wasn’t a great idea. Long-term readers will be well aware how exhausting Embarkation Day always is. Well, add to that the fact that six days is not enough time to recover AND pack when you’re ninety, and you might come close to comprehending the level of tired we have both achieved. Today is Thursday 26th October. We boarded on Sunday 22nd. We’ve been asleep all day. Not only was dad not up in time for lunch, he didn’t bother with dinner, either! I managed the latter, just, and had his delivered to the room. Today was a PJ day, for sure. We’ve been up and about before now, but today it hit us like a tonne of bricks. I’m yawning even as I type. Why it’s hit us four days in, I have no idea, but I’m sure someone somewhere can explain it. I just know I need a new word, because pooped doesn’t even come close for this level of shattered.

Anyway, here we are, back on Aurora. The canteen roof doesn’t seem to leak any more, but I’ve seen much more duct tape than one might usually expect.  Some of the lift buttons have lost their inner light – they still take you to the Lido Deck, but they aren’t happy about it.  At least one of the aft lifts isn’t taking anyone anywhere right now. And it’s sister in the forward set is having a tantrum about feeling overloaded, even when empty. The blown double—glazing panes are still blown. The Conservatory (self-service canteen) muzak is still awful, if not now fully horrific.  Music of the Night on a slide guitar. Don’t stop believing? On the harp, obviously. Tears in Heaven? The accordion, I kid you not. I swear by All 4 One, on the harmonica. It’s as if a group of musicians got stoned and dared each other to come up with the most inappropriate instrument for each song, and they kept doubling down until they passed out. It’s miserable to have to listen to, I can assure you.  I am hoping that things will improve soon, otherwise, I may have to say something.

As deduced last year, this is definitely now the training ship, being the smallest left in the fleet. I have heard a lot more “no” than is usually acceptable.  Most of the waiting staff are quite clueless, as are the chefs, which when you have (through no fault of your own) dietary restrictions, makes life very risky indeed, particularly in the first few days! Sometimes, it has been simpler to go hungry and go somewhere else later!  Yesterday, I finally found an obliging waiter in the Conservatory (which is apparently actually called Horizon). His name is Srivasan. He takes very good care of me, and he’s nice to chat to, too. He’s very interested in my keeping a blog.

On the other hand, the cleaners are prevalent and industrious – which is nice given the amount of coughing and sneezing I’ve heard – and our cabin steward (Bibi) is excellent. Talking of which, we have a balcony! We’ve never had one before. But we like it! Dad was out there like a shot when we checked in. Leaving me to do the unpacking, coincidentally, while he cast a supervisory eye over the loading of the final stores and the removal of the gangplank on the quayside below. 

The comedian booked for the first few nights managed to MISS THE SHIP. Genius. The UB40 tribute group, called Rats in the Kitchen, were excellent, and considering what they had been through, they were extraordinary. The saxophonist’s mother died last Friday, so he backed out. The lead guitar fell ill on the Saturday. So, of the six men on stage, two had been rehearsing UB40 songs for about 48 hours, total, tops. And never with the full band, because the “Ali Campbell” spent the first 48 hours of the cruise talking to God on the Great White telephone. Not a good sailor, apparently.

Which surprised us, because we’ve had pretty smooth sailing considering the first events are the Western Approaches (where the Atlantic Ocean, Irish Sea and Channel meet – not renowned for its calm) and the Bay of Biscay (that people disembark at Barcelona and fly home to avoid). We’ve never gone over a force 4 at all  – some white horses, not many, for those of a Beaufort Scale inclination.

Our head waiter is named Cleopatra, not a name that will be easy to forget! She is delightful and very assiduous about our dining needs. Sometimes too assiduous! We’ve had an issue with the jelly. I eat a LOT of jelly onboard. Not at home, oddly, but loads on cruises. She was worried that gelatine would not suit a Jewish passenger. Very thoughtful. Unfortunately, this resulted in them creating some concoction using agar agar instead, just for me.  It looked the part, but it tasted of absolutely nothing. Jellied water. Even though it was green, it had no taste, flavour or aroma whatsoever. So we are going to abandon the agar agar, and I’ll just hope for beef gelatine!

Our main waiter is Nihal, which seems odd for someone with such Asian features, but not my place to query. He moves too fast. If he slowed down and listened more carefully, he’d be superb. His assistant’s name I haven’t managed to gather yet – he’s too fast-moving and quiet. It’s like having your water glass refilled by a ninja – you never know he’s there until he’s gone! Yesterday, a gluten-free roll materialised on my side plate. I swear he had been nowhere near our table. Seriously. It’s very cool!

Which brings us to our table mates. Paul and Chris(tine) are very nice and very northern, although I think they now live in Somerset. Bev and Keith are likewise from oop north, but also very nice, although Bev speaks very quietly.  Bryan and Jan are also lovely and northern.  Again, Jan is the quieter one.  Bryan is ex-military. He wore three medals on our first formal night. I haven’t figured out anyone else’s occupation as yet. I can’t shake the idea that Keith used to be on the telly. If not, he is the spitting image of someone who was. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Our friends from last year, Barry and Margaret, are here, but we don’t dine with them. We just bump into them at lunchtime and meet up with them for the quiz at 10.30.  Our new couple, to complete our quiz team of six since Geoff and Linda had to cancel (inconsiderate granddaughter arranged her wedding slap bang in the middle), are James and Eileen. They are useful additions, and we are getting 13s and 14s most nights.  There’s an “always wins team”, as usual. It’s not the bunch from last year. They are here, but there are now eight of them, so they can’t win (max. is 6), so they play for the fun of it and are much less obnoxious as a result.  The new “always wins” table contains a couple from last year and a woman who won £33k on The Chase, so anyone else who plays better be only in it for the fun of it as well.

I seem to have been running around non-stop. I’m not sure I’ve even had time to look out of the window today! Today was the first time it was really warm enough to sit out, for most of the wusses on board. I have sat out for days, because I am not a wuss, but today I haven’t had the time. Which is pants, frankly, because that’s the whole point of sea days, IMOSHO.

Tomorrow is Madeira.  I might go ashore, if only to purchase all the items that I have realised (so far) I failed to pack. These include (but are not limited to): face cleanser, plug converter for dad’s razor, and mouthwash.  I’m sure there will be other things, but this list shouldn’t really be this long, considering how long I’ve been doing this.  Frankly, I appalled at myself.

A word about inflation. The prices are now, as you might imagine, excruciating. A 330ml can of 7up Zero costs, brace yourself, £3.55. Yes, soft drinks cost £3.55. Each. Hilariously, they’ve got a little muddled, and ended up with drinks from the gun costing more than cans. On the plus side, they now have Diet Coke in glass bottles (same price). Confusingly for the eco-minded, the mineral water comes in cans (£1 a can or six for a fiver), instead of plastic bottles (yay!), but the straws are still black plastic (boo!). And heaven only knows where the orange squeezer machine went, because I get nothing but blank stares when I ask for a freshly-squeezed orange juice.

Still, it’s all early days. Right now, I’m just happy to be here.